It’s been over two months since I came home from New York City, and there’s something I can’t stop thinking about; the day my startle reflex turned off for the first time, and my nervous system let go of a fear, a tension, that has been with me since birth. It’s ironic really; I was in one of the busiest cities in the world and I experienced true relaxation for the first time in my life...
The Moro Reflex, also known as the Startle Reflex, is a reflex normally present in all infants which occurs as a response to sudden changes in sensual stimulation. This can include loud noises, sudden movements, or any event that puts the baby off balance. It is characterised by the sudden extension of the limbs and arching of the back. In babies with working nervous systems this reflex is present up until around 6 months of age, but in individuals with Cerebral Palsy it can persist into adulthood, and for me it has had a prominent impact on my everyday life.
The Moro-Reflex means that my nervous system is sensitive and overly responsive, creating an environment in my body that’s loud and chaotic. It means I’m highly reactive to touch, to sensation, and to the world around me. Combined with spasticity and a warranted fear of falling, it creates an atmosphere of tension within me, as if I’m running on a mode of ‘fight or flight’. As you can imagine this doesn’t leave much room for relaxation. Whilst I can calm my conscious thoughts, Cerebral Palsy, described as the ‘bully’ by Oliver Sacks, constantly demands attention.
I haven’t always known this though; I didn’t know that it was my over-reactive nervous system that was causing me so much internal stress and I didn’t know why so many of the things that are usually enjoyable, particularly human touch, put me on edge. I thought it was a physiological anxiety and I shut myself off, from being intimate with others and from acknowledging the world around me. I protected myself by switching off as I was moving from place to place, blocking out the sights and sounds of the space around me. And it wasn’t until my work with the choreographer Tamar Rogoff, when I experienced complete relaxation for what I would consider the first time in my life, that I truly came to understand the hyper-vigilance I'd developed to create a sense of calm in a place dictated by my busy brain.
Being able to let go of that hyper-vigilance, even if only temporarily, thanks to the ‘shaking technique’ and Tamar’s incredible sense of the nervous system, has had an immense impact on my relationship with my body.
There was a distinct moment on the 9th day of working with Tamar when we both noticed something inside of me had let go and the reduction in the Startle Reflex was most noticeable. We’d already completed a long shaking session, and Tamar was guiding me through another, directing the shaking by placing her hand on different spots on my body; my sternum, my armpit, my stomach, and then she said ‘what’s the difference when I touch, do you prefer it?’’. My focus shifted from the energy of the shaking to her palm on my chest. A wave of emotion came over me, I was caught, confused almost. It felt ok, no it felt better than ok, it felt nice, there was a comfort in our bodies interacting. A shared experience.
You see prior to this I’d put up with her touching me, to have the benefit of her being able to give direction to the experience, but it wasn’t pleasant. My body would flinch, my heart would race, and then there would be an explosion of energy as the shaking travelled to where ever she was touching.
This time there was none of that; just a sense of connection as if she were introducing my nervous system to a new path, a new space in the body. And there was a comfort, more than ever it felt like we were in this together.
Then the session was over, just like that, and we stepped outside onto the busy streets of New York City. I was dazed and so was Tamar, it was if we were running on the same frequency. It took us a while to get our bearings, to me it felt like I was in a dream like state, my limbs felt light and my head was airy, as if it was floating above my body. Everything kind of felt like it was in slow motion despite the busy traffic, rushed crowds, and loud noises. ‘I feel so weird’ I said, ‘like I’m sinking into the ground, and I can’t believe what just happened, it’s crazy’. Tamar said she felt it too, as if we were sharing a nervous system.
Then we went our separate ways for the day, with me and my partner setting about on our sightseeing adventures. Honestly though, I couldn't take much in, I just wanted to exist inside of myself, to bask in this new found state of being, relaxation. I was distracted for the rest of the day by the thoughts buzzing around in my head; was this how everyone without brain damage walked around or had I stumbled across a new way of existing?, how long will this last?, how is this possible?.... These are questions I’m still mulling over, but neuroplasticity thrives with curiosity, and this work leaves me darn curious! For now, regardless of the ‘whys’ and the ‘hows’, I’m just happy to have the means to connect with the things that usually force me to close myself off from experience.